LENO♥CONAN♥LETTERMAN♥FERGUSON♥KIMMEL♥FALLON
Leno
Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.
Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner.
President Obama’s popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.
Today is National Be Kind to Lawyers Day. This is a day celebrated by no one.
Conan
Today’s the opening day for the Dodgers. There was an awkward moment during new owner Magic Johnson’s pep talk when he told the players to get out there and beat the Celtics.
In Maryland three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win the lottery.
American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. In other words, Iran may have the technology to build their own beer bong.
Last night Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on “Dancing With the Stars.” It’s the first time anyone connected with that show has actually seen stars.
Letterman
A hundred years ago the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.
Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?
I signed up to do this show for two more years here at CBS. My goal is to be pushed out like Regis was.
Ferguson
It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.
Hot dog pizza raises two important questions. Who came up with this monstrosity? And how quickly can it be delivered to my house?
Hot dogs and pizza don’t go together. It’s like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn’t happen.
Hot dogs and pizza — it’s like monogamy in a Kardashian. It’s like a dog show and Michael Vick. It’s like dancing and stars.
Kimmel
We had a new “Dancing With the Stars” tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off “Dancing With the Stars,” but she has to go back to “The View.”
I hate to see people get kicked off. Just for once I’d like to see someone get kicked onto a reality show.
Facebook is buying the photo-sharing service Instagram for a billion dollars. Instagram is an app that makes your photographs look like vintage Polaroids. Meanwhile, poor Tom from MySpace just announced he’s selling his mom’s Polaroid camera on eBay for $5.
A billion dollars — I don’t know. Unless they have some faded, washed-out photos of Mark Zuckerberg killing a hooker, it doesn’t make sense.
Fallon
Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.
The New York Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don’t want to say it’s surprising, but today the Mets tested themselves for steroids.
There’s apparently a 102-year-old man in New York who still works as a valet parking attendant. It’s not easy for him. Every time he parks a car, he has to pull over three times for a bathroom break.
You can tell he’s old. When you tip him a five, he’s like, “Hey, it’s my old roommate, Abe Lincoln.”
Here is Some Mindsteroid Must-Read from David Crossland SPIEGEL The clock is ticking on a UN-mediated ceasefire deadline on Thursday that no one expects the Syrian regime to respect. German commentators say Bashar Assad’s military power won’t prevent his downfall, and see rays of hope in China’s and Russia’s cooling stance towards him. United Nations peace envoy Kofi Annan said on Wednesday that Syria had assured the world body that it will respect a ceasefire with rebels due to take effect in fewer than 24 hours. But President Bashar Assad’s forces is keeping up attacks in several cities, and few believe he is serious about stopping the bloodshed. The West remains opposed to military intervention, though, and action by the UN Security Council has been thwarted by resistance from Russia and China. German media commentators see a ray of hope in growing signs that China and Russia are starting to turn their backs on Assad — and in Turkey considering setting up a buffer zone in Syria to protect Assad’s opponents. Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan said on Tuesday that Syrian troops were “mercilessly” shooting fleeing women and children in the back. Speaking during a visit to China, Erdogan said he would take unspecified steps after Syrian troops shot at refugees inside Turkey on Monday. Editorials say Annan’s fall from power is only a matter of time but fear that many more Syrians will die before he is finally ousted. Exile, some say, is likely to be Assad’s only option to save his own life. CONSERVATIVE DIE WELT WRITES: “It looks as if the repressive Syrian regime will let its last opportunity for a negotiated solution pass. It is doing so in a complete misjudgement of the situation in which dictator Bashar Assad finds himself. There cannot and won’t be a political future for him in his country which he has betrayed, destroyed and divided. Homs, Hama or Deraa are filled with the rubble of his presidency and with a people filled with hate for the ruler it once so feted.” “He is completely discredited. That is gradually dawning on the few remaining friends the lonely man in Damascus still has: Russia and China.” “Militarily, the international community has exhausted itself in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya. No one wants another adventure given the well-equipped Syrian army and an uncertain outcome. Turkey seems prepared to set up a security zone in the north of the country which could serve as a basis for the Syrian rebels to conquer the country. That would be the Libyan model.” “Assad should enquire in Moscow about a ‘Yemeni solution’: exile and freedom from prosecution in return for peace and reconstruction. That is maybe the only chance for the eye doctor to save his life.” LEFT-WING DIE TAGESZEITUNG WRITES: “The Assad regime still believes its military superiority will bring it victory. That is a huge mistake. The Syrian population will initially pay the price with many, many further deaths. But the Assad clan will also pay it, with its political downfall and probably its physical destruction as well. That is almost certain to happen. The timeframe remains unclear, as does the number of people who will have to die until the time comes.” “Now, after the failure of the Annan plan, the civil war will flare up with even greater brutality. All the neighboring states, from Iran and Iraq and Saudi Arabia to Lebanon and Turkey will get militarily involved, whether openly or covertly.” “Moscow will probably look for an alternative to the Assad clan among the ruling elites of Syria. In order to speed up this process, Moscow may back a UN Security Council Resolution that condemns the regime more sharply.”
“The fighting will drag on for months. The number of victims will rise enormously as will the number of refugees. Sanctions and moral appeals won’t have much impact. The danger that the country could turn into a bloody battlefield for years to come remains real.” CENTER-LEFT SÜDDEUTSCHE ZEITUNG WRITES: “Since the outbreak of the Arab popular uprisings, many ways have been found of undermining the success of the peaceful, freedom-loving, jubilant masses in the subsequent months. In Egypt, generals and Islamists are conducting the struggle for power largely among themselves. Militiamen rule Libya and Yemen is effectively ruled by the clan of former president Ali Abdullah Saleh. But nowhere has the yearning for freedom been betryed as blatantly as in Syria. Many rebels continue to oppose the use of violence even after this dreadful year — but they are increasingly irrelevant for the future of their country.” “The fund of millions of dollars that Saudi Arabia and Qatar plan to provide to assist the uprising, and which American and dozens of other countries want to pay into, will be much more decisive for whether Assad falls and what happens after that. It is one of the blatant contradictions of this project that the Gulf kings want to use their petrodollars to finance an uprising that they have prevented in their own countries by flooding their subjects with far higher sums.” LEFT-WING BERLINER ZEITUNG WRITES: “There are growing calls for the opposition to be armed. But it is clear that a militarization of the conflict will primarily play into the hands of the Assad government because the army will stick with him in the face of an armed opposition. But if economic sanctions are imposed by a broad international alliance, and if Assad’s last remaining friends turn away from him, support for the dictator should evaporate. That is the goal.”
TOULOUSE EVOLUTION The first day Israel blamed Hezbollah The second day Israel blamed Neo-Nazi The third day Israel blamed them for being Jews. The fourth day Israel rob a Palestinian land to bury the corpse in Jerusalem The fifth day Israel found Merah (Hebrew name) The sixth day Israel had him shot in the head as Osama The seventh day Israel blamed Sarkozy BEING headlined instead. The eight is Sabbath Israel ordered everybody to insert cucumber and don't scat. Tomorrow the whole world will be looking for Next Jews attacked News. So shut up sit down and listen. Do you hear me?
The national birthrate is collapsing. The economy is in ruin. Unemployment is
skyrocketing. Young people are demoralized. Decadence envelopes the nation, drug use is rampant, and sizeable portion of the women work as prostitutes.
Is it Greece? Cuba? Russia?
NoAin’t Iran! Asshole.. Its the Israeli Utopia that Jason Mattera & David Goldman day dream
CAMERON PIMP PETER CRUDDAS BUSTED AT £250,000 A YEAR
Now be good and read the Losers HorseManure, Ain’t Fuckn’ Delicious I was there. I warned you!
Conservative Party co-treasurer Peter Cruddas has resigned after being filmed apparently offering access to Prime Minister David Cameron in return for donations of £250,000 a year.
The senior Tory fundraiser told undercover reporters pretending to be business representatives that “things will open up for you” if they donated that amount of money to the Tories.
In a meeting secretly recorded by The Sunday Times, he said: “It will be awesome for your business.”
Announcing his resignation, Mr Cruddas said in a statement: “I deeply regret any impression of impropriety arising from my bluster in that conversation. Clearly there is no question of donors being able to influence policy or gain undue access to politicians.
“Specifically, it was categorically not the case that I could offer, or that David Cameron would consider, any access as a result of a donation. Similarly, I have never knowingly even met anyone from the Number 10 policy unit. But in order to make that clear beyond doubt, I have regrettably decided to resign with immediate effect.”
On Sunday morning the Tories announced that Lord Fink is to replace Peter Cruddas as the party’s principal treasurer.
Hedge fund millionaire Lord Fink previously held the role until earlier this month, when it was taken over by Mr Cruddas.
Speaking on Sunday morning David Cameron said: “”What happened is completely unacceptable, this is not the way that we raise money in the Conservative party. It shouldn’t have happened.
“I’ll make sure there is a party inquiry to make sure this can’t happen again.”
A Tory spokesman said: “In the light of the resignation of Peter Cruddas yesterday, Lord Fink has agreed to return as the party’s principal treasurer, the role he stepped down from at the beginning of March. Michael Farmer will continue to support Stanley Fink as a co-treasurer.
“We are grateful to Stanley for agreeing to this and we believe that this will ensure that the treasurers’ department will continue to operate to the highest possible standards under his stewardship.”
Analysis – Has “the next big scandal” broken?
Mr Cruddas said he only took up the post at the beginning of the month and was “keen to meet anyone potentially interested in donating”. He said he had not consulted any politicians or senior party officials before the recorded conversation. Mr Cruddas told the undercover reporters that “premier league” donors – those giving £250,000 a year – could lobby Mr Cameron directly and their views were “fed in” to Downing Street. He said there was no point in “scratching around” with donations of £10,000. According to The Sunday Times, he believed that any prospective donations from the reporters – pretending to be wealth fund executives – would come from Liechtenstein and would be ineligible under election law. They are said to have discussed the creation of a British subsidiary and the possibility of using UK employees to make the donation.
Speaking on Sunday morning David Cameron said: “What happened is completely unacceptable, this is not the way that we raise money in the Conservative party. It shouldn’t have happened.
“I’ll make sure there is a party inquiry to make sure this can’t happen again.”
A Conservative Party spokesman said: “No donation was ever accepted or even formally considered by the Conservative Party. All donations to the Conservative Party have to comply with the requirements of electoral law.
“Unlike the Labour Party, where union donations are traded for party policies, donations to the Conservative Party do not buy party or government policy.”
Labour challenged the Prime Minister to “come clean” about what he knew and when. “Time and again the Tory party has been the obstacle to capping donations from wealthy individuals. Now it appears obvious why,” said Labour MPMichael Dugher who was speaking before Mr Cruddas quit.
The affair is likely to re-ignite the debate surrounding party funding, which has seen the Tories and Labour fail to reach a consensus despite both parties acknowledging the need for reform. The chairman of the Committee on Standards in Public Life, Sir Christopher Kelly, called last year for donations to be capped at £10,000 and for the parties to be funded largely by a taxpayer-funded grant.
But both parties dismissed the report, since the plan would curb the massive donations the unions pay to Labour and wealthy businessmen pump into Tory coffers.
Lib Dem Chief Secretary to the Treasury said the revelations were “utterly disgraceful.”
“This makes the case for reforming the system of party funding even stronger,” Alexander told the Andrew Marr Show on Sunday morning. “Over the next few weeks the three parties will be getting around the table.. to discuss how we can change how party funding works, to get the big funding out of politics.”
Labour shadow minister Michael Dugher said:
“We now hear the Tory treasurer boasting that some of these same millionaires who got a tax cut in the Budget this week can buy a seat at the private Downing Street dinner parties of David Cameron and George Osborne through donations worth hundreds of pounds to the Conservative Party.
“Will the PM say exactly what he knew and when about an apparent effort to sell access and influence in Downing Street?”
Tory deputy chairman Michael Fallon said no donations to the party could ever influence its policies. “I think [Cruddas] was blustering and boasting. No donation was accepted.
“He made a mistake here, and he’s resigned and he’s been replaced… he over-boasted about what you could do with a particular donation. That was wrong. It would certainly not have got through our normal compliance checks.
“Businessmen of course, like anybody else.. get access to politicians all the time. That’s part of the process of government, of listening to business. But the big change now is that if anyone meets a minister in the government, those meetings are not only recorded, but are published.”
Now be good and read Loser’s HorseManure, Ain’t Fuckn’ Delicious I was there. I warned you!
Leung Chun-ying has won the election for Hong Kong’s Chief Executive following a campaign marked by scandals and protests. Only 1,193 representatives from various sectors of society are entitled to vote, which spurred protests from democracy advocates demanding full universal suffrage. Leung is a real estate surveyor and former convener of the Executive Council of Hong Kong who had been favored by Beijing. The New York Time reports:
Mr. Leung won on the first ballot, receiving 689 votes, after Beijing’s representatives here put heavy pressure on electors in the final week of the race to support him. He is a populist on economic issues, but has a reputation for having a limited tolerance of democracy and public demonstrations. Mr. Leung says, however, that he favors allowing all adults in Hong Kong to vote for the chief executive, but has been vague on whether candidates opposed by Beijing would be allowed on the ballot.
Henry Tang, a longtime politician from a family of Shanghai garment makers, was the early favorite, but then stumbled after acknowledging marital infidelity and the construction of a secret basement under a family villa without government permits or the payment of real estate taxes. He received 285 votes.
Albert Ho, the chairman of the opposition Democratic Party, finished a distant third, with 76 votes.
Roughly one-tenth of the ballots were blank or otherwise voided. The pro-democracy Civic Party, usually a Democratic Party ally, had urged electors to cast blank ballots to protest the lack of broader democracy.
Bloomberg has more on the issues facing Leung as he takes office:
Leung, who will begin his five-year term on July 1, will need to address public anger over rising living cost spawned by an influx of money from mainland China and eight years of rising property prices that have made Hong Kong the world’s most expensive place to buy a home. The former government adviser must also start preparing for the day in 2017 when China, which inherited rule of Hong Kong from Britain 15 years ago, is expected to allow the city’s people to elect their own leaders.
“The next leader will need to address the housing problem, the affordability issues as well as bringing sustainable economic growth to Hong Kong,” William Fung, executive deputy chairman of retailer Li & Fung Ltd. (494), said before the results.
Forked Tongue Indian Call Centers enterprise Royal Bank of Scotland, HSBC, NatWest, Santander, Abbey National 500,000 hapless Brit’s Records
Now be good and read the Losers HorseManure, Ain’t Fuckn’ Delicious I was there. I warned you!
Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The gospel according to a banner headline report in the red top gutter press Daily Shitraker tabloid, dodgy Indian call centres are flogging off the credit card details and medical records of Broken Britain’s citizens for just 2 pence per shot – a figure on par with their hourly pay rate.
Data belonging to 500,000 hapless Brit’s – all customers of major High Street banks – has been put up for grabs via online websites to marketing firms and any number of budding criminal types.
Burgeoning files of confidential personal data belonging to hundreds of thousands of UK citizens, which includes credit card information, along with medical and financial records, are being flogged off to enterprising, risk-averse criminals who prefer the insular safety of a remote pc internet connection when committing their felonious trade rather than holding up banks and 7/11 Stop n Rob’s with firearms.
Two likely Dacoit-types from New Delhi, claiming to be IT workers at one of the city’s major call centres, met undercover reporters from the Scandalmongers Gazette and boasted of having 45 different sets of personal information on an excess of 500,000 Brits – which they offered to sell for two pence per item – totalling a nice handy sum of £10,000 quid for the lot.
The personal information which relates to customers at major financial institutions, including the usurious Royal Bank of Scumland, HSBC and NatWest, is a virtual ready-dug goldmine by which fraudsters could siphon off thousands of pounds from already-overdrawn bank and credit card accounts within nano-seconds.
Mr Wormhole Jaffacake, who claims to be an IT consultant with Honest Achmed’s Call Centre and Steam Laundry in Delhi, met the undercover Scandalmongers Gazette press hacks in a hotel room carrying a laptop chocker full of client’s personal data.
Jaffacake and his accomplice, a certain Jamjar Chuckabutty, confided to the sting reporters that all the data was less than 12 hours old and contained full debit and credit card details to enable canny operators to get into the owner’s accounts and bleed their ISA’s drier than a camel’s crotch before the cyber alarm bells started ringing.
According to the original Daily Shitraker report, other information being hawked by unscrupulous workers attempting to boost their pathetic salaries and non-existent performance bonuses so they can afford a dream vacation at Butlins Holiday Camp in Bombay, includes sensitive, perhaps blackmail-worthy, details of mortgages, loans, insurance, child porno websites frequented, mobile phone contracts, Sky Television subscriptions, and online sex toy purchases.
Call centres are a £3.2 zillion nicker industry in the sub-continent, with 75% of the Indian population employed by them for a pittance in salary just to get the chance to practice their muddled English and find out which soccer team their respective caller supports.
Scores of unpatriotic British companies, motivated by profit alone and unconcerned about the UK’s chaotic unemployment situation, have outsourced services to Indian call centres – with public backlash over the use of foreign workers prompting many to withdraw.
The Spanish bank Santander, which gobbled up the failed mortgage giant Abbey National in a fire sale, pulled the rug on Indian call centres, claiming it was impossible to do business there when white collar crime was an acceptable part of the Third World shithole’s established culture.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
