LENO♥CONAN♥LETTERMAN♥FERGUSON♥KIMMEL♥FALLON
Leno
Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has been suspended for five games because of his comments praising Fidel Castro. Now he’s apologizing after talking it over with his good friend Hugo Chavez.
Today was opening day at Dodger Stadium. Actually it was a little different this year. Instead of throwing out the first pitch, they threw out the last owner.
President Obama’s popularity is starting to dwindle among well-known liberals like Matt Damon and Gene Simmons. In fact, you know the number one liberal to turn against President Obama? Mitt Romney.
Today is National Be Kind to Lawyers Day. This is a day celebrated by no one.Conan
Today’s the opening day for the Dodgers. There was an awkward moment during new owner Magic Johnson’s pep talk when he told the players to get out there and beat the Celtics.
In Maryland three teachers came forward to claim the Mega Millions lottery prize. They all said they would remain at their jobs. They want to keep teaching kids that if you work hard and study, it won’t mean crap unless you win the lottery.
American universities are being infiltrated by foreign spies. In other words, Iran may have the technology to build their own beer bong.
Last night Melissa Gilbert suffered a concussion on “Dancing With the Stars.” It’s the first time anyone connected with that show has actually seen stars.Letterman
A hundred years ago the Titanic sank. It was supposed to be unsinkable. If they were going to make that same cruise again today, thanks to global warming they would not have to worry about icebergs.
Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?
I signed up to do this show for two more years here at CBS. My goal is to be pushed out like Regis was.Ferguson
It is a tough day for Rick Santorum, who suspended his presidential campaign. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he dropped out the day hot dog pizza was announced. Seeing this abomination, Rick realized that humanity has veered just too far off the path of moral righteousness.
Hot dog pizza raises two important questions. Who came up with this monstrosity? And how quickly can it be delivered to my house?
Hot dogs and pizza don’t go together. It’s like Rush Limbaugh and skinny jeans — it just shouldn’t happen.
Hot dogs and pizza — it’s like monogamy in a Kardashian. It’s like a dog show and Michael Vick. It’s like dancing and stars.Kimmel
We had a new “Dancing With the Stars” tonight, an elimination night and Sherri Shepherd was evicted. I feel bad for her because not only is she off “Dancing With the Stars,” but she has to go back to “The View.”
I hate to see people get kicked off. Just for once I’d like to see someone get kicked onto a reality show.
Facebook is buying the photo-sharing service Instagram for a billion dollars. Instagram is an app that makes your photographs look like vintage Polaroids. Meanwhile, poor Tom from MySpace just announced he’s selling his mom’s Polaroid camera on eBay for $5.
A billion dollars — I don’t know. Unless they have some faded, washed-out photos of Mark Zuckerberg killing a hooker, it doesn’t make sense.Fallon
Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should’ve dropped out four score and seven years ago.
The New York Mets have started the season with four straight wins. I don’t want to say it’s surprising, but today the Mets tested themselves for steroids.
There’s apparently a 102-year-old man in New York who still works as a valet parking attendant. It’s not easy for him. Every time he parks a car, he has to pull over three times for a bathroom break.
You can tell he’s old. When you tip him a five, he’s like, “Hey, it’s my old roommate, Abe Lincoln.”
Here is Some Mindsteroid Must-Read from David Crossland SPIEGEL
The clock is ticking on a UN-mediated ceasefire deadline on Thursday that no one expects the Syrian regime to respect. German commentators say Bashar Assad’s military power won’t prevent his downfall, and see rays of hope in China’s and Russia’s cooling stance towards him.
United Nations peace envoy Kofi Annan said on Wednesday that Syria had assured the world body that it will respect a ceasefire with rebels due to take effect in fewer than 24 hours. But President Bashar Assad’s forces is keeping up attacks in several cities, and few believe he is serious about stopping the bloodshed.
The West remains opposed to military intervention, though, and action by the UN Security Council has been thwarted by resistance from Russia and China.
German media commentators see a ray of hope in growing signs that China and Russia are starting to turn their backs on Assad — and in Turkey considering setting up a buffer zone in Syria to protect Assad’s opponents. Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan said on Tuesday that Syrian troops were “mercilessly” shooting fleeing women and children in the back.
Speaking during a visit to China, Erdogan said he would take unspecified steps after Syrian troops shot at refugees inside Turkey on Monday.
Editorials say Annan’s fall from power is only a matter of time but fear that many more Syrians will die before he is finally ousted. Exile, some say, is likely to be Assad’s only option to save his own life.
CONSERVATIVE DIE WELT WRITES:
“It looks as if the repressive Syrian regime will let its last opportunity for a negotiated solution pass. It is doing so in a complete misjudgement of the situation in which dictator Bashar Assad finds himself. There cannot and won’t be a political future for him in his country which he has betrayed, destroyed and divided. Homs, Hama or Deraa are filled with the rubble of his presidency and with a people filled with hate for the ruler it once so feted.”
“He is completely discredited. That is gradually dawning on the few remaining friends the lonely man in Damascus still has: Russia and China.”
“Militarily, the international community has exhausted itself in Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya. No one wants another adventure given the well-equipped Syrian army and an uncertain outcome. Turkey seems prepared to set up a security zone in the north of the country which could serve as a basis for the Syrian rebels to conquer the country. That would be the Libyan model.”
“Assad should enquire in Moscow about a ‘Yemeni solution’: exile and freedom from prosecution in return for peace and reconstruction. That is maybe the only chance for the eye doctor to save his life.”
LEFT-WING DIE TAGESZEITUNG WRITES:
“The Assad regime still believes its military superiority will bring it victory. That is a huge mistake. The Syrian population will initially pay the price with many, many further deaths. But the Assad clan will also pay it, with its political downfall and probably its physical destruction as well. That is almost certain to happen. The timeframe remains unclear, as does the number of people who will have to die until the time comes.”
“Now, after the failure of the Annan plan, the civil war will flare up with even greater brutality. All the neighboring states, from Iran and Iraq and Saudi Arabia to Lebanon and Turkey will get militarily involved, whether openly or covertly.”
“Moscow will probably look for an alternative to the Assad clan among the ruling elites of Syria. In order to speed up this process, Moscow may back a UN Security Council Resolution that condemns the regime more sharply.”
“The fighting will drag on for months. The number of victims will rise enormously as will the number of refugees. Sanctions and moral appeals won’t have much impact. The danger that the country could turn into a bloody battlefield for years to come remains real.”
CENTER-LEFT SÜDDEUTSCHE ZEITUNG WRITES:
“Since the outbreak of the Arab popular uprisings, many ways have been found of undermining the success of the peaceful, freedom-loving, jubilant masses in the subsequent months. In Egypt, generals and Islamists are conducting the struggle for power largely among themselves. Militiamen rule Libya and Yemen is effectively ruled by the clan of former president Ali Abdullah Saleh. But nowhere has the yearning for freedom been betryed as blatantly as in Syria. Many rebels continue to oppose the use of violence even after this dreadful year — but they are increasingly irrelevant for the future of their country.”
“The fund of millions of dollars that Saudi Arabia and Qatar plan to provide to assist the uprising, and which American and dozens of other countries want to pay into, will be much more decisive for whether Assad falls and what happens after that. It is one of the blatant contradictions of this project that the Gulf kings want to use their petrodollars to finance an uprising that they have prevented in their own countries by flooding their subjects with far higher sums.”
LEFT-WING BERLINER ZEITUNG WRITES:
“There are growing calls for the opposition to be armed. But it is clear that a militarization of the conflict will primarily play into the hands of the Assad government because the army will stick with him in the face of an armed opposition. But if economic sanctions are imposed by a broad international alliance, and if Assad’s last remaining friends turn away from him, support for the dictator should evaporate. That is the goal.”
